Aftermath of the miscarriage

 I miscarried my baby yesterday. We don’t know if he was a boy or a girl. We don’t know anything. Just emptiness 

My bathroom is a war zone. My nightmare. Blood splatters are waiting for me to clean the counter. Memories accost my mind of me searching each clot for the precious baby. 

I obsessed. I peed on a strainer so I wouldn’t miss the tiny baby. I blew my nose while peeing, and delivered it into the strainer. I found the sac, and carefully opened it. The little yolk sac was like a tiny clear marble, a tiny miracle. Fascinating. After finding that, I looked for the baby. I had done the research, I knew what I was looking for. I was supposed to be 11 weeks, but the doctor said the baby was 6 weeks gestation. I knew to took for a tiny shrimp human. I found nothing. I found mashed potato. Just mush. It wasn’t even trying to be a baby. A violent wave of betrayal crushed me. There was nothing to bury. Nothing to cremate. Nothing but nothing. 

They say “the miracle of life”, and they are right. Chromosomes have to match up, and if even one doesn’t, things don’t work right. Just the way the eye nerves connect during development is a miracle. Every step of the way, every fingernail, every heartbeat, miracles. My baby- my little mashed potato clump of cells baby- he didn’t get that miracle. I think he was dead before we ever found out we were expecting. I kept hoping for a miracle, because my God is the God of miracles. If I just bought this newborn cloth diaper by faith, He would know I wanted the baby. I didn’t get my miracle. Every test, every ultrasound was the same- bad news. Not viable. 

I’m going to have to clean the bathroom today. The flashbacks of the blood running down my hands every time I wiped, every time I looked for him. Those visions will haunt me. The pads will go out with the trash- less evidence that he ever existed. All that will be left will be in my heart and mind. As I wipe the counter, it will be like erasing the proof he was here. The proof he was real. 

We go into the hospital and have visitors and flowers and nurses when we have babies. People celebrate. When you miscarry, you do it alone. At home. In a bathroom. There is no support. No nurse to tell you everything will be ok. Just you, the strainer that used to be for spaghetti, and your husband (maybe) who thinks you have lost your mind. He’s too afraid to get close because you’re like a feral animal. He doesn’t know how to support you. He just knows there is blood everywhere. 

Miscarrige sucks. It’s lonely. It’s gross. It’s heartbreaking. 

I can do much more than people give me credit for

So I have recently been much more "out there" - as I like to put it. I'm a homebody usually, but I live with my dad right now so it gets tight and tense and sometimes the kids and I just need to get out of the house to let some fresh air give us a fresh perspective. Everyone gets cabin fever sometimes.

Anywho... lately I went to the movies with the kids (already did a post on that). I have also been going to the zoo, and most recently we went to the fair! Its huge. AND I did it, with 2 kids, ALONE.

YAAA

Actually, it was much easier than I thought it would be. The only part that was hard was that I couldn't pee because I have a double stroller, 2 kids, and we don't all fit in a port-a-potty. Other than that, it was a blast!

How I did it:
3 year old on the bench seat of the stroller unless she was on a ride, and my 7 month old in the front seat. He got to see what was going on, and she was contained. She also wore her toddler leash because (lets face it) kids move fast and can be out of sight in seconds (or someone could snag them- yikes!).
We rolled around for a while, my daughter went on rides, we ate food... Basically the same as everyone else:)

If I were the author of my life

If I were the author of my life, things would be different.

Oh wait

I am the author of my life.

Being a mother changes things

Today the kids and I made handprint pictures with paint and we made butterflies with our footprints.

One of the pictures is just on a regular piece of paper and its both pairs of their footprints with antenna, so they look like butterflies. We also did this to a watering can that I have my bamboo plant in. I just keep staring at them. If I had 10 things I had to leave the house with and leave the rest behind, I know that bamboo can would come with me.

Its a moment of time. A moment I can never get back, but we captured it.

Before I know it, these kids will be leaving and going their own ways and doing their own thing. I am so thankful that I can be home with them to cherish the moments we have now while I am still the center of their world.


Before I was a mom, I would have placed value in other things. Money, electronics, etc etc... Now I am so attatched to this water can... I think that long after my children outgrow their favorite toy (bear and bunny) I will stash them in a memory box and open it now and then and just remember.

People look at me and think I am not accomplishing anything. They see me as a failure.

I am a young, unmarried mother of 2 kids. Their father doesn't live with us. I have a career but I haven't been in a salon in over a year. I am "wasting" my education. "Wasting" my life. My church wouldn't pray over my daughter because she was born out of wedlock. I am a sinner, a harlot. I am that poor unfortunate girl that was taken a fool. "You have beautiful kids, don't have anymore!" my family tells me jokingly. Old women in the grocery store comment "My, you have your hands full!"

Yes. I have my hands full. I am super mom.

But I made a choice. I kept my kids. If I didn't want to be a mom there are plenty of women in line to adopt babies. I love my kids more than I love anything in the world. More than I love myself.

You see, I'm not "wasting" my life.

I chose to be a mother.

This is not a hardship. These children are the best thing that have ever happened to me.

I have learned more from them than they will ever learn from me.

the adventures of super mom

Today I did the impossible. My dad thought I was insane, and I probably am. But, I did it none the less.

I went to the movie theater.

With both my kids.

Yes, that happened...

Backstory:
I am a Stephanie Meyer fan... I am not crazy about the Twilight movies, but that is because they were better in my head. I also happened to read "The Host", and I really liked it. In fact, I like it better than "Twilight." What can I say? I know its sappy teenager soft-core romance, but I'm just not brave enough to graduate to the "50 shades of Grey" crowd. Edward and Ian are more than enough for my mind to deal with, without the erotica thrown in.
So naturally, when I found out they were making "The Host" into a movie, I was thrilled. I just found out that I missed when it came out, because I live under a rock, but I wanted to still see it sometime soon without waiting the indefinate amount of time it will take to get to DVD (maybe next Christmas if we are lucky, now that I have seen it they will probably release it by July).
So, I decided to go see it in the theater.
I have a 7 month old who is nursing and will not let me be in a different room, let alone leave to see a movie or even go to circle K. My oldest is afraid every time I leave that I am never coming back (she has been through some family turmoil, I understand). So, she comes almost everywhere with me.

But I really wanted to see the movie.... *waaaaaaaaa*

So, I did what I do with whenever I want to go anywhere...

I sucked it up.

I packed the kids in the car.

And I went.

My daughter is 3, and we brought her kindle and put it on the lowest brightness setting. I also brought lots of snacks. (Yes, I smuggled in animal crackers- deal with it!) Initially, she did not like the noise and the darkness... but she did settle in. Of course this would have been a lot easier if it had been a movie she was remotely interested in... but I think it went well considering I found ways for her to be entertained in a new environment where she was not allowed to move around or make noise and she was in the dark (she is afraid of the dark).
My son is 7 months. He was cake. I just nursed him most of the time, and eventually he fell asleep. I did make the mistake of trying to put him down when he was asleep (in the car seat), and he woke up and was loud until I got him latched again. He also ate some of the animal crackers and snuggled me.

Afterwards, as bribery, I bought Emily ice cream in the food court and let her play in the play area.

All in all, it was a good experience. Would I reccomend it? .....uhhhh... Yes? I would recommend going to a kid movie so the kids are engaged. But it is amazing knowing that I did it. I now know that I can.

You see, I'm in the process of expanding our circle.  I spend a LOT of time at home with the kids... I am a stay at home mom, its kind of in the job description... But I am finding out there is plenty to do out there. We go to the zoo every week (we bought a year pass, $50 for a year's worth of elephants is a great value to my sanity). I also just learned that you can take kids bowling. They set up bumpers and have a ball roller ramp and everything.

I didn't go out as a kid. My dad took me to funtastics every now and then, but I grew up playing in the back yard. My daughter plays in the yard every day but for the sake of my sanity and hers (we both get stir crazy if we don't go somewhere after a few days) we go on walks to circle k or go somewhere fun.

I would join a mom group if I could find one... maybe I should look harder.

I'm socially awkward... maybe I won't.

Wait, all SAHM's are socially awkward... maybe I will...

The huggle bug

I am overwhelmed with love for my daughter right now. She is 3 years old, and like all kids, at times she drives me completely insane.

There are times when all she does is while. Her hair is tired. Her toe hurts. She needs a bandaid for her mouth, her knee, her brother, and her teddy bear.

There are also times (like tonight) when we are laying in bed and she rolls over from watching her kindle and says "mommy, I love you!" and she gives me a huge hug.

Or like earlier when she needed me to be the huggle bug and give her huge hugs.

Or like when she woke up and instead of wanting grandpa or the dog, all she wanted to do was sit on my lap and drink her juice.

Most of the time, she is very independent. She would be so happy if I would just deliver her meals to her sandbox.

Why I am glad I have 2 kids even though it is 10 times as hard

Having 2 kids is not twice as hard as having one.

When my daughter runs off, I can't just run after her and leave her brother in the stroller. She now has a baby leash.

They never sleep at the same time. To top off this and seal my lack of nap, as soon as one is asleep, the other one makes enough noise to wake them up.

However, I would not go back to one. My daughter is my son's favorite person (next to me, I hope). He follows her so closely and is always interested in what she is doing. She loves him so much also and is always wanting to hold his hand, or sit with him, or feed him, etc.

Granted, when I brought him home, she pushed over his cradle (he wasn't in it thankfully) and has, on more than one occasion, demanded I "take him back."

I look forward to when my son can walk and keep up with his sister. I look forward to them always having someone. I was an only child. I have a sister, but she is only 11 years old as I type this. We are both only children. I am glad that even though my daughter may some day get frustrated with him, she will never beg me (as I did my mother) to adopt a playmate.

It is so cute, my daughter always reminds me when we are leaving to "don't forget baby Jack!" She is hyper vigilant of him, and I love her all the more for it. She has adapted so well to having a sibling.