I can do much more than people give me credit for

So I have recently been much more "out there" - as I like to put it. I'm a homebody usually, but I live with my dad right now so it gets tight and tense and sometimes the kids and I just need to get out of the house to let some fresh air give us a fresh perspective. Everyone gets cabin fever sometimes.

Anywho... lately I went to the movies with the kids (already did a post on that). I have also been going to the zoo, and most recently we went to the fair! Its huge. AND I did it, with 2 kids, ALONE.

YAAA

Actually, it was much easier than I thought it would be. The only part that was hard was that I couldn't pee because I have a double stroller, 2 kids, and we don't all fit in a port-a-potty. Other than that, it was a blast!

How I did it:
3 year old on the bench seat of the stroller unless she was on a ride, and my 7 month old in the front seat. He got to see what was going on, and she was contained. She also wore her toddler leash because (lets face it) kids move fast and can be out of sight in seconds (or someone could snag them- yikes!).
We rolled around for a while, my daughter went on rides, we ate food... Basically the same as everyone else:)

If I were the author of my life

If I were the author of my life, things would be different.

Oh wait

I am the author of my life.

Being a mother changes things

Today the kids and I made handprint pictures with paint and we made butterflies with our footprints.

One of the pictures is just on a regular piece of paper and its both pairs of their footprints with antenna, so they look like butterflies. We also did this to a watering can that I have my bamboo plant in. I just keep staring at them. If I had 10 things I had to leave the house with and leave the rest behind, I know that bamboo can would come with me.

Its a moment of time. A moment I can never get back, but we captured it.

Before I know it, these kids will be leaving and going their own ways and doing their own thing. I am so thankful that I can be home with them to cherish the moments we have now while I am still the center of their world.


Before I was a mom, I would have placed value in other things. Money, electronics, etc etc... Now I am so attatched to this water can... I think that long after my children outgrow their favorite toy (bear and bunny) I will stash them in a memory box and open it now and then and just remember.

People look at me and think I am not accomplishing anything. They see me as a failure.

I am a young, unmarried mother of 2 kids. Their father doesn't live with us. I have a career but I haven't been in a salon in over a year. I am "wasting" my education. "Wasting" my life. My church wouldn't pray over my daughter because she was born out of wedlock. I am a sinner, a harlot. I am that poor unfortunate girl that was taken a fool. "You have beautiful kids, don't have anymore!" my family tells me jokingly. Old women in the grocery store comment "My, you have your hands full!"

Yes. I have my hands full. I am super mom.

But I made a choice. I kept my kids. If I didn't want to be a mom there are plenty of women in line to adopt babies. I love my kids more than I love anything in the world. More than I love myself.

You see, I'm not "wasting" my life.

I chose to be a mother.

This is not a hardship. These children are the best thing that have ever happened to me.

I have learned more from them than they will ever learn from me.

the adventures of super mom

Today I did the impossible. My dad thought I was insane, and I probably am. But, I did it none the less.

I went to the movie theater.

With both my kids.

Yes, that happened...

Backstory:
I am a Stephanie Meyer fan... I am not crazy about the Twilight movies, but that is because they were better in my head. I also happened to read "The Host", and I really liked it. In fact, I like it better than "Twilight." What can I say? I know its sappy teenager soft-core romance, but I'm just not brave enough to graduate to the "50 shades of Grey" crowd. Edward and Ian are more than enough for my mind to deal with, without the erotica thrown in.
So naturally, when I found out they were making "The Host" into a movie, I was thrilled. I just found out that I missed when it came out, because I live under a rock, but I wanted to still see it sometime soon without waiting the indefinate amount of time it will take to get to DVD (maybe next Christmas if we are lucky, now that I have seen it they will probably release it by July).
So, I decided to go see it in the theater.
I have a 7 month old who is nursing and will not let me be in a different room, let alone leave to see a movie or even go to circle K. My oldest is afraid every time I leave that I am never coming back (she has been through some family turmoil, I understand). So, she comes almost everywhere with me.

But I really wanted to see the movie.... *waaaaaaaaa*

So, I did what I do with whenever I want to go anywhere...

I sucked it up.

I packed the kids in the car.

And I went.

My daughter is 3, and we brought her kindle and put it on the lowest brightness setting. I also brought lots of snacks. (Yes, I smuggled in animal crackers- deal with it!) Initially, she did not like the noise and the darkness... but she did settle in. Of course this would have been a lot easier if it had been a movie she was remotely interested in... but I think it went well considering I found ways for her to be entertained in a new environment where she was not allowed to move around or make noise and she was in the dark (she is afraid of the dark).
My son is 7 months. He was cake. I just nursed him most of the time, and eventually he fell asleep. I did make the mistake of trying to put him down when he was asleep (in the car seat), and he woke up and was loud until I got him latched again. He also ate some of the animal crackers and snuggled me.

Afterwards, as bribery, I bought Emily ice cream in the food court and let her play in the play area.

All in all, it was a good experience. Would I reccomend it? .....uhhhh... Yes? I would recommend going to a kid movie so the kids are engaged. But it is amazing knowing that I did it. I now know that I can.

You see, I'm in the process of expanding our circle.  I spend a LOT of time at home with the kids... I am a stay at home mom, its kind of in the job description... But I am finding out there is plenty to do out there. We go to the zoo every week (we bought a year pass, $50 for a year's worth of elephants is a great value to my sanity). I also just learned that you can take kids bowling. They set up bumpers and have a ball roller ramp and everything.

I didn't go out as a kid. My dad took me to funtastics every now and then, but I grew up playing in the back yard. My daughter plays in the yard every day but for the sake of my sanity and hers (we both get stir crazy if we don't go somewhere after a few days) we go on walks to circle k or go somewhere fun.

I would join a mom group if I could find one... maybe I should look harder.

I'm socially awkward... maybe I won't.

Wait, all SAHM's are socially awkward... maybe I will...

The huggle bug

I am overwhelmed with love for my daughter right now. She is 3 years old, and like all kids, at times she drives me completely insane.

There are times when all she does is while. Her hair is tired. Her toe hurts. She needs a bandaid for her mouth, her knee, her brother, and her teddy bear.

There are also times (like tonight) when we are laying in bed and she rolls over from watching her kindle and says "mommy, I love you!" and she gives me a huge hug.

Or like earlier when she needed me to be the huggle bug and give her huge hugs.

Or like when she woke up and instead of wanting grandpa or the dog, all she wanted to do was sit on my lap and drink her juice.

Most of the time, she is very independent. She would be so happy if I would just deliver her meals to her sandbox.

Why I am glad I have 2 kids even though it is 10 times as hard

Having 2 kids is not twice as hard as having one.

When my daughter runs off, I can't just run after her and leave her brother in the stroller. She now has a baby leash.

They never sleep at the same time. To top off this and seal my lack of nap, as soon as one is asleep, the other one makes enough noise to wake them up.

However, I would not go back to one. My daughter is my son's favorite person (next to me, I hope). He follows her so closely and is always interested in what she is doing. She loves him so much also and is always wanting to hold his hand, or sit with him, or feed him, etc.

Granted, when I brought him home, she pushed over his cradle (he wasn't in it thankfully) and has, on more than one occasion, demanded I "take him back."

I look forward to when my son can walk and keep up with his sister. I look forward to them always having someone. I was an only child. I have a sister, but she is only 11 years old as I type this. We are both only children. I am glad that even though my daughter may some day get frustrated with him, she will never beg me (as I did my mother) to adopt a playmate.

It is so cute, my daughter always reminds me when we are leaving to "don't forget baby Jack!" She is hyper vigilant of him, and I love her all the more for it. She has adapted so well to having a sibling.

When "what will I do with you" becomes "what did I ever do without you?"

When I was expecting both times, I didn't know what to expect. Sure, I read the books, I was on the online forums. But there is nothing to do to prepare. Of course you can get the baby's room ready. You can wash and fold the clothes fifteen times to make sure they are pre-softened. You can write letters to the baby about how awesome its going to be.

You wait and wait and wait. Constantly looking for signs of labor. There are bound to be a few false alarms (in my case, many flase alarms, even the second time around).

But, eventually, the magical day comes. The day where no matter how much you try to rest and relax, you can't. The day where your "woman" is tested. Its do or die (so to speak). Its amazingly hard, but very affirming.

Your little miracle has arrived.

Then the lack of sleep begins. You hope it will end soon, but it doesn't. Months go by and you just adapt to not sleeping enough. You wonder what you have gotten yourself into.

"What will I ever do with you?" You ask the screaming, inconsolable child in your arms.

You adapt. This time is hard, but even though it seems like ten minutes of screams is a lifetime, very soon you will wonder where this small screaming child is, and who this toddler is that has replaced them?

Being a new mom isn't like the cards and movies describe it. I never glow, it doesn't matter if I am pregnant or not. I don't remember if my daughter cried constantly, but I can tell you that my coliky son was inconsolable for months.

Its okay to get frustrated.
Every mom feels this way at many points.

There comes a time for every mom, when you will look at your baby, and "what will I do with you" will turn into "what did I ever do without you?"

Fat people, Pilates, and a 3 year old

I remember doing my Pilates video all the time in high school. Sure, it was challenging, but it was a really good workout and I could do the 20 minute video twice and feel great after.

In high school I was 136lbs and very active. I played dance dance revolution on heavy mode (the advanced mode) and I was really into exercise. I was at the gym every morning before school, and I had colorguard or I was working most of the time. I was not sedentary.

Well... I'm 24 now. In the "prime" of my life. In the last 3 years, I have had 2 kids, and in the last 6 years I have gained 130lbs. Yes, thats right. I have nearly doubled my weight. I never realized that until right now... and I'm not gonna lie, I am kind of disgusted with myself right now.

Anywho, back on track...

I have a 6 month old baby and  3 year old daughter. So, technically I guess its okay that I'm soft in the abdomen area since I recently had a baby. Yes, I'm making excuses.

At the beginning of the year, I made a pact with myself to improve my health this year. So far, I've lost 6lbs and I am a LOT more active than I have recently been. (Pregnancy is hard on me, I basically spent 9 months on the couch). I bought an elliptical trainer, and I'm on it whenever I have time. I have also been walking with the kids in the stroller, and I can now walk more than a mile (when I started it was an effort to walk 1/4 mile).

So, on to todays adventure:

I got my pilates video out, thinking it would be great to stretch and get some core exercise in.

Yaaaaa...

My son was asleep, so I put the DVD in. My 3 year old daughter decides that she has to stop what she's doing and come exercise with me. I was pretty excited with this, because I thought "Ya! I'm raising her to be active! Next we will clear the candy out and feast on celery!"

Well, she's cool doing the first few moves. I have no idea if she was doing them or not, because I was in my own internal bubble of misery (I was convinced I was going to have an aneurism, do you know how hard it is to do pilates at 264lbs??? I can barely reach my legs! Last time I did this, I could reach my toes easily, now I'm about 4 inches above my ankles and straining. I feel 65.

Somewhere past the initial head pain and asthmatic wheezing, I am trying to do this impossible move where you lay on your back and reach your arms above your head while stretching your legs out and doing some sort of plank thing and then you reach around and pull your legs in. Granted, this used to be easy. I am surprised I am still alive. I'll have to write my will before I attempt this again, I need arrangements for my children lest I combust. --- Visualize with me, if you will. I'm trying to bend around my excess 100+lbs, and there is my daughter, smiling.

She is trying to help me.

Granted, she is entirely in the way, but it's really heart-warming.

I love the simplicity of my child's mind. She is so beautiful.

I got through 17 of 20 minutes and I am still alive, and we now have something to (maybe) do together.

We are the sun, but we are also the moon.

It is an amazing thing to be a mom. 

For a time (too short a time) you are your child's entire world. They are in you, and its just you and them. Then your miraculous baby is born, and they are so soft. They have that amazing baby smell that goes away way too quickly, and they are just so awe-inspiring that you lay awake when you really should be sleeping just to watch them breathe. So peaceful. 

You are the world to them. THE WORLD. 

Its a beautiful feeling. Needed. You are important, so important. They give you their million-dollar smile and no matter what they just did, its better. You can be covered in vomit and soften at the gummy smile. Or, in the case of my 3 year old, when they come up to you, sit on your lap, and say "I love you mommy, I want you to be my best friend." (she varies on if we are friends or not depending on how recent her last time out was)

As time goes on, you say "my children are my world." This is an amazing thing. The WORLD. There is little that can compare to a mommy-love. Its such a consuming thing. Altering. Before I had my second child, I would lay awake at night worrying that I wouldn't have enough love for both of them. It really bothered me that I would have to sacrifice some of my love for my daughter and give it to my son. But, the most amazing thing happened. When I had him and I held him for the first time, I was like the Grinch. My heart just, grew. 

I know that I am my children's world, and I love that feeling. But I also think that in another way I am really their moon, because my world revolves around them.

Hello out there, whoever is out there.

Sometimes being a stay at home mom with 2 kids (well, with any kids, it doesn't really matter the number) can be overwhelming and you tend to lose your connection to the world. Current events aren't so important anymore, and you hear your friends talking through a haze about some new amazing movie that just came out that everyone is seeing, and you've never heard of it.

Don't be alarmed, this is not a drill.

This is our life.

The life of a mom.

Before we enter momdom, we have an individual self worth. We have hobbies, we keep up with our friends, we DO THINGS. I'm not saying that if you have kids, you do nothing. I am just saying that in the mystical land of SAHMdom, time doesn't pass for us like it does for the rest of the world. What are we doing all day? The thankless job.

My bosses are a 3 year old princess and a 6 month old bottomless pit that is screaming unless my boob is in his mouth. I am actually breastfeeding as I type this... I have the skills of a contortionist. Not. I just have learned to cope, as all of us do, and continue on and still function even though I have a nursing boy attached to me 22/7. Our hobbies include the baking of mud pies, mud soup, digging in the mud, and when we get tired of the mud, we go to the zoo.

Me? Who am I? Well... I am a mom. I'm their mom. But wait... didn't I used to be Me? Wasn't there an individual there? Yes, I suppose so. I guess if I were defined as an "I" and not as a "we", I would be a mom-student-hairdresser-crafty-person. I am a part time college student taking online classes. I used to be a hairdresser, I still am sometimes. I intend to one day work in a salon again, but with both kids its just not really much of a possibility right now. I don't have time for many hobbies, but I do coupon (yep, the intense kind) and I hang with my kids all day. Sometimes I squeeze in some world of warcraft or some TV that isn't a cartoon.

So this is me, speaking to the black abyss, just saying I'm still here. Life has changed so much in the last 3 years that I can't even sum it up but maybe I'll try.